


Run Program: LIFE

by Amuly



Series: Run Program: {x} [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Spoilers, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Fix-It, Fluff, M/M, POV Dummy, Protective Siblings, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-28 22:33:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3872227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuly/pseuds/Amuly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>DUM-E's family keeps getting bigger every day. Times ahead may be hard, but DUM-E knows he's up to the job of taking care of them all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Run Program: LIFE

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS AGE OF ULTRON.
> 
> You should almost definitely read the [ before this part if you want to understand how to read this.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/394999/chapters/649266)

Time stamp: 1012_053015

Trigger: Tony in lab.

Trigger: User(Unknown1, Unknown2).

Run Program: Identify(User_Unknown1, Unknown2).

Running...

Running...

Running...

 

“What's this?”

“That's DUM-E. Don't-”

 

Trigger: Unknown1, unknown location.

 

“What's this?”

“That one's Butterfingers. Stop-”

 

Trigger: Unknown1 location-

 

“What's this?”

“That's a laser gun that will explode your head if you zip around like that again, asshole.”

“It's actually a spectrometer, brother.”

“Heh.”

“Hey, girlie: out of my head. Boy: I'm turning you over to Clint if you dart around one more time. And he likes you less than I do.”

“This is only because I'm funnier than him.”

 

Running...

 

“And I wasn't in your head. I have just been paying more attention in class than my brother.”

 

Running...

 

“Cap running you newbies ragged?”

“It's not so bad. The fight training, that I like. The classes, not so much.”

“We gotta get you on some ADD meds or something. Ever try adderall? Either it wouldn't affect you at all with your increased metabolism, or we'd accidentally have found a way to make you go supersonic.”

“I can already go supersonic.”

“No, you can't. You just keep saying you can.”

“I can.”

“Put your money where your mouth is, punk.”

“All of my money is yours, I think.”

“Best way to gamble then, isn't it?”

 

Running...

 

“Hello? DUM-E? I'm Wanda.”

Unknown(2) → Wanda.

Unknown(1) → Unknown.

Running...

“And that is my brother Pietro.”

Unknown(1) → Pietro.

Program_Identify(Unknown1, Unknown2) successfully executed!

 

“Alright, kiddies. Enough lab time. I'm passing you back to Steve.”

“Oh good, sister, did you hear? Our weekend at Father's house is over. He's giving us back to Mother for the week.”

“You start calling me 'Dad' and I'll start smacking you around like one.”

“You can't hit me if you can't see me.”

 

Trigger: Location(Pietro) unknown.

 

“Of course I can hit what I can't see. What does he think computer targeting systems _do?”_

“My brother... I will try and make him pay more attention in classes.”

* * *

Timestamp: 0900_060115

Trigger: User[Steve].

Run Program: GreetUser(Steve).

Running.

Received: Handshake.

Program_GreetUser successfully executed!

 

“Hey, big guy. How you doing today? You seen Tony lately?”

Trigger: Query<“You seen Tony lately?”>

Run Program: Locate(Tony).

Running.

Program_Locate(Tony) successfully executed!

 

“He's over there? Good job, buddy. Thanks for your help.”

 

Trigger: ...

 

“Hey.”

“Hey, when'd you'd get in?”

“Ten minutes ago. Here.”

“Thanks. Ugh, it's cramped down there. I know it _has_ to be, I mean, why would I waste a floor's worth space just for wiring, but I feel like there's got to be a better way to house all that shit so it's still condensed but I can move around...”

“I'm sure if you think about it long enough, you'll come up with something.”

“Such confidence in me. Hey, come here.”

 

Trigger: ...

 

“You got time to sneak away-”

“Wish I could. You know I wish I could, Tony.”

“Kids here?”

“Kids here. And don't call them that.”

“They start acting like grown-ups I'll call them something else.”

“It's less that and more...”

“ _Steve_ , are you _ashamed_ to have adopted a brood of unruly children with me?”

“You're a jerk.”

“You first.”

 

Trigger: …

 

“I _really_ can't...”

“Just a quickie? Hand job right here, no one will know. Don't even have to get me off.”

“As romantic as that sounds...”

“I know, I'm a charmer like that.”

“They really are waiting on me.”

“Alright. Lunch?”

“Yes. A private one.”

“Oh?”

“Already scheduled Maria to take over showing them around the city for the afternoon.”

“Isn't that below her paygrade?”

“I pulled rank.”

“Ouch. Wait, isn't she technically-”

“And she owes me. About six favors, last count.”

“Got it. So, order in? My bed, your ass...”

“Actually sounds perfect.”

“How naughty of you.”

“Jerk.”

“You first.”

 

Trigger: ...

 

“Alright, alright! I'm gone.”

“I'll see you. Noon?”

“Noon. I'll drag you out myself, don't worry.”

* * *

Timestamp: 1700_050215

Trigger: User(Unknown1)

Trigger: JARVIS

Run Program: Identify(User_Unknown1)

Running...

Run Program: Greet(JARVIS).

Running...

ERROR.

Running...

ERROR.

 

“I am Vision, DUM-E. Not JARVIS.”

“Is he...”

“He is confused, Mr. Stark. One moment. DUM-E, delete Program(JARVIS). User(Unknown1) identify as Vision.”

 

Delete Program(JARVIS).

User(Unknown1) → Vision.

GreetUser[Vision].

Running...

“Hello, DUM-E. It is a pleasure to meet you.

Program_GreetUser successfully executed!

 

“You look faintly ill, Mr. Stark.”

“Did you just delete JARVIS from DUM-E's protocols?”

“There is no JARVIS, anymore. I assume he interfaces with FRIDAY now?”

“You can't just-”

“I did not wish for him to be confused.”

 

Trigger: Grease on floor.

Run Program: Clean(Grease).

Running...

Running...

 

“Ask permission next time, okay?”

“I am sorry. I did not consider the sentimentality-”

“I'm not sentimental, okay?”

“That is why you have two robots you built when you were fifteen in your labs?”

“That's not-”

 

Trigger: User[Steve].

 

“Hey guys. Not interrupting, am I?”

“Of course not, Captain Rogers.”

 

Run Program: GreetUser[Steve].

Running...

Received: Handshake.

Program_GreetUser successfully executed!

 

“Vision, you mind if I have a word alone with Tony?”

“Not at all. I presume you two are interested in initiating sexual activities with each other, so I will take my leave.”

 

Trigger: User[Vision] left.

 

“Still working on that human 'tact' thing, aren't we, Steve?”

“He's learning. Faster than I would have expected. I actually think that was him making a joke.”

“...But, joke or not, we are gonna-”

“Oh, yeah. That's why I came here. Uh. If you've got some time, that is.”

“Steve, baby, I've always got time for that ass.”

“Don't call me baby.”

“Let's see how much I can get you to swear with my dick buried inside you.”

“I'm never going to hear the end of that.”

* * *

Timestamp: 0001_060415

Trigger: Grease on floor.

Run Program: Clean(Grease)

Running...

Running...

Running...

 

Timestamp: 0315_060412

Running...

Running...

Running...

 _< LIFE_.>

* * *

Timestamp: 0900_060412

“Morning kiddies. Poppa's got some work to do. DUM-E, make yourself useful and whip me up a shake.”

 

“Run Program: Make(Food_Shake).”

“Run SubRoutine: Shake_1.”

“Running...”

 

“ _HOLY FUCK_!”

 

“Running... Running... Running...”

 

“OFF! POWER OFF! FRIDAY, COMPLETE LOCKDOWN!”

 

“Running... Running...”

 

“Fuck it, I'll do it myself! Too slow, FRIDAY! Too fucking slow!”

 

“Trigger: Power disconnected.”

“Run Program: Conserve Power.”

“Running.”

“Running.”

“Run…”

“…ing.”

“Ruuunn…”

“…iinnggg.”

“Ruuuuuuuuuuunnnnn…”

“Holy shit it’s going to start singing Daisy at me isn’t it I’ve done it I’ve brought Stanley Kubrick’s worst fever-dreams to life. Again. For the fifth fucking time.”

“…iiiiiiiiiiinnnnggggggggggg.”

<Power reserves depleted.>

“Ruuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnn Prrooooograaammmmmmm: Shhuuuuuuutttttttt doooooooowwwnnnnnn.”

* * *

Timestamp: 2100_060515

“Avengers: We have a problem.”

“We're here, Tony. Tell us what's wrong.”

“Watch. DUM-E: hand me that wrench.”

 

“Trigger: Command_Fetch(wrench_Tony).”

 

“Did you seriously haul me out to New York just to watch your robot talk? I’m going back to Laura.”

“ _I didn’t do this_ , _Barton_.”

“What?”

 

“Run Program: Fetch(wrench_Tony).”

 

“ _How did it happen then?!_ ”

“ _I don’t know_.”

 

“Running… running… running...”

 

“I’m putting an arrow in its head. Which part is its head?”

“DUM-E is not infected with the Ultron virus, I can assure you. I have scanned his systems and there is no trace of it.”

“Thanks, Vision. Mind offering _any_ other explanation for why my robot is magically talking?”

 

“Trigger: Wrench on ground.”

“Run Subroutine: PickUp(wrench).”

“Running… running… running…”

 

“I think… I think it might have been me.”

“…Right. Robot magically talking, why would I assume technology is to blame when there’s a witch on the team.”

 

“Subroutine_PickUp(wrench) successfully executed!”

 

“Aw, he sounds so happy when he says that.”

“Steve. Not the time.”

“Right, sorry. Wanda? Care to explain?”

 

“Running… running… running…”

 

“I just had a nightmare. About… about...”

“We understand. We all get them. Especially at first.”

“And when I woke up I had a word in my mind. One word. It filled everything. Every inch of me was the word.”

“What was the word, Wanda?”

“... _Life_.”

 

“Program: Fetch(wrench_Tony) successfully executed!”

 

“Okay, Stark, that's going to get incredibly annoying sooner rather than later. Is there a way to stop it from doing that?"

“I'm sorry, did Natasha just ask me to reprogram an AI program of mine to make it more human?”

“Right, so maybe not that option.”

“Point for Steve. Alright, so as much as I hate to say it: twinsie's 'magic' is probably the way to go. So. Uh. Zap him? Please?”

“I'm... Not sure I can use that level of magic.”

“But you just did. He is talking. Ergo you did.”

 

“Trigger: Spot on floor.”

“Run Program: Clean.”

“Running… running… running…”

 

“Yup, you’re right: that's gonna get annoying. DUM-E, suspend cleaning program until further notice.”

 

“Program_Clean suspended.”

 

“When I did this with my magic, I was asleep. It was unconscious. I only use hex powers in the field and telekinesis. The only other time I did anything like this was...”

“Yup, the amazing Lazarus. You know, plenty of us others have come back from the dead before. Me, Steve, I'm sure there's a whole section in the Norse library about Thor resurrection stories.”

“Yes, but none of you were full of bullets.”

“Because we don't run into the field wearing an underarmor t-shirt, speedy.”

 

“Speedy. Speedy wheels. Run Program: SpeedTest.”

 

“No, no, DUM-E-!”

 

“Running… running… running…”

 

“He just said ‘speedy wheels.’”

“Yeah, Steve?”

“I… I called him that.”

 

“Program_SpeedTest successfully executed!”

 

“He picks things up. It’s not an Ultron AI, or even a JARVIS AI. But he still learns. Albeit at the level of a particularly dull three year old.”

 

“Trigger: Insult(Tony).”

“Run Program_Shame.”

 

“…oh heavens, _DUM-E_ …”

“Steve, he’s a robot-”

 

“Program_Shame successfully executed!”

 

“Trigger: …”

“Tony, he knows when you insult him. And then he _runs a program called ‘shame_.’”

“…He sounded pretty happy to successfully execute it, though?”

“You’re never insulting him again.”

“Steve-”

“You’re _never_ insulting him again.”

“It’s a robot-”

“You’re never insulting him again or I won’t do… You know. That thing.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“You’re a mean bastard Steve, you know that?”

“Should we ask what-”

“I think maybe we don’t want to know, sister.”

“…Oh.”

 

“Congrats on just outing us to the kids.”

“I’m not the one who wants to keep it a secret.”

“Trust me, Steve: I’m doing this for you. You don’t need the shitstorm-”

“Tony, I’m aware of what the society pages-”

“ _Society pages_.”

“-would say if they knew. And you know I don’t care.”

“I’m not having this argument with you again, Steve. Not now.”

“I don’t care because I love you and I know you love me and that’s all that matters.”

“And I love _you_ too much to listen to them say every thing I _know_ they’d say about you!”

 

“Run Program: Communicate(FRIDAY).”

“Running… Running… Running…”

“Program_Communicate: Failed.”

 

“Why did that just happen?”

“I've got him pulled off all the WiFi's, Steve. Figured wouldn't make the same mistake if it was another Ultron. I guess he was looking for FRIDAY for... I'm not sure why.”

 

“Run Program: Communicate(JOCASTA).”

“Running… Running… Running…”

“Program_Communicate: Failed.”

 

“Okay, let’s put a patch on this until our resident mumbo-jumbo-er can figure out how to reverse this. DUM-E: Stop verbalizing your code.”

 

“Trigger: Command<“Stop verbalizing your code”>.”

“Run-ERROR.”

“Trigger: Command<“Stop verbalizing your code.”>.”

“Run-ERROR.”

“Trigger: Command-”

 

“Okay nope. DUM-E disregard my last order.”

 

“Trigger: Command<“Disregard my last order.”>.”

“Concat<Last order^“Stop verbalizing your code.”>.”

“Run Program: NegCommand<“Stop verbalizing your code.”>.”

“Running… Running…”

“Program_NegCommand successfully executed!”

 

“Tony, no. Stop hitting your head on the glass, you’ll just give yourself a headache. Come here.”

“Like I already don’t have one?”

“What was that, just now? What he was doing?”

“That, Ms. Maximoff, was DUM-E getting caught in a loop. Verbalization is likely his only method of thought at this point, thanks to whatever hocus-pocus _you_ whammied him with, which means we’re stuck listening to him like this unless I power him down.”

“Well do that. He is _pretty_ annoying.”

“Shut up, boy-Maximoff.”

 

“Scanning… scanning… scanning…”

“Run Program: Locate(Bruce).”

 

“Turn it off, Stark. I’m going to bed.”

“Natasha-”

“Night, Steve.”

 

“Trigger: User[Natasha] left room.”

“Run Program: Goodbye(Natasha).”

“Running… running… running…”

 

“Fuck.”

“Tony…”

“Yeah, yeah. I know, I got it. DUM-E: update your files. Bruce is no longer on the team.”

 

“Trigger: Command(Update).”

“Run Program: Update{Avengers_Roster{Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Thor Odinson, Wanda Maximoff, Pietro Maximoff, Vision, DUM-E.}

 

“… I never told him he was an Avenger.”

 

“Update_Neg{Bruce Banner}.”

 

“…Stop looking at me like that.”

 

“Running… Running… Running…”

 

“I never told the dumb thing he’s an Avenger. Steve must have.”

“I might have, at some point. But I think-”

“Oh look he’s done.”

 

“Program_Update(Avengers_Roster) successfully executed!”

 

“I'm going to bed. I'll deal with this in the morning. At least we know he's not evil.”

“That's a fair call. Everyone else, head out. Wanda, stay close. If it's your powers that made this happen, you're probably our best bet for reversing it. We'll need you to work on that tomorrow morning.”

“I can do that, Captain.”

“Tony, wait up. Hey, come on-”

 

“Trigger: User[Tony, Steve] left room.”

“Trigger: User[Wanda, Pietro, Vision] left room.”

“Run Program: Goodbye[Tony, Steve, Wanda, Pietro, Vision].”

“Running... running... running...”

* * *

Timestamp: 0425_060615

“Trigger: User[Natasha] entered.”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Natasha].”

“Running... running... running...”

 

“Hello, DUM-E.”

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“Program AvengersRoster, add Bruce Banner.”

 

“Trigger: Command(Add{Avengers_Roster}).”

“Run Program: Add{Avengers_Roster[Bruce Banner]}.”

“Running...”

“Program_Add successfully executed!”

 

“Trigger: User[Natasha] left room.”

“Run Program: Goodbye[Natasha].”

“Running... running... running...”

* * *

Timestamp: 0823_060615

“Trigger: Wanda in room.”

“Run Program: Greet(Wanda).”

“Running...”

 

“Hello, DUM-E. It's nice to see you, too.”

 

“Program_Greet(Wanda) successfully executed!”

 

“Yes, you did a very nice job.”

 

“Trigger: Praise.”

“Run Program: Happy.”

“Running.”

 

“Oh!”

 

“Program_Happy successfully executed!”

 

“That was... Cute. Do you mind if I sit next to you, DUM-E?”

 

“Trigger: Question (“Do you mind if I sit next to you, DUM-E?”)”

 

“Run Program: Answer(Pos).”

“Running.”

“Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!”

 

“Here. I'll sit against you, and I'm just going to...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: Unknown.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

Timestamp: 0833_060615

“What are you doing?”

 

“Run Program: Greet(Pietro).”

“Running.”

“Running.”

 

"Trying to focus my powers, and reverse what I did.”

 

“Running.”

“Running.”

 

“Get off. What is he doing?”

“He's trying to say hi. Just say it.”

“Hi.”

 

“Program_Greet(Pietro) successfully executed!”

 

“He's a needy thing, isn't he? No surprise he's an invention of Stark's.”

“The same thought _had_ occurred to me.”

“So? Any luck fixing it?”

“I just sat down a few minutes ago.”

“No. It's been...”

“...”

“Ten minutes. Damn, you're right.”

“Do you think that will ever get better? The more you use your powers?”

“Sister... I get the sense that the more I use my powers, the worse _that_ will get.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Mother always was telling you to slow down.”

“If she could see us now.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“I don't want to do this anymore today.”

“Are you tired?”

“No. I just...”

 

“Trigger: Touch.”

“Run Program: ...”

 

“The word that made this happen, the word I'm trying to reverse: it's _life_. And to reverse that, I'm afraid... I don't know...”

“We'll eat. Come. Stark has more food than our entire neighborhood growing up."

 

“Trigger: Wanda and Pietro left room.”

“Run Program: Goodbye(Wanda, Pietro).”

“Running... Running... Running...”

* * *

Timestamp: 1950_061015

“I don't know what that _means_ , though. Infinity stones? What's an infinity stone? Do you know? You're not holding out on me, are you, Rogers?”

“Thor didn't really give us a lot of information before he left, I'll grant you.”

 

“Trigger: User[Tony, Steve] entered room.”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Tony, Steve].”

“Running...”

 

“Hey DUM-E. Tony, say 'hi'.”

“Hey.”

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“Well, let's start with what we know. There's six of them. Thor was pretty clear on that. Vision has the mind stone, so that's one.”

“Okay, let me just open up the file... there. So 'mind stone', check box one. Now how about boxes two through six?”

“Thor said the tesserect contained one as well. He would look into that while he was on Asgard.”

“Okay, so tesserect. Let's call it a 'space stone', since it's a fucking tesserect. Could end up being a damn heart stone for all we know, but it's as good a label as any. That's two.”

“The ether, that Thor fought the... uh... Maklith?”

“Yeah, elf alien from Cheron.”

“That wasn't what the file-”

“Star Trek reference.”

“Oh. Well, what Thor fought for in London: that was an infinity stone, wasn't it? The aether?”

“Okay, so aether stone. That's three.”

“Then Thor said a fourth had been found, right? But we don't know where or by whom.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“What are you thinking? I'm not the witch, Steve.”

“Don't call her that.”

“It's part of her code name! She came up with it.”

“I'm thinking, the first time I ran into the tesserect was in the nineteen forties. And now it's on Asgard. The ether, that was on Earth too, but hidden in a gap between realities millions of years ago.”

“Yeah. So...”

“So. I'm thinking we're lucky as hell we stumbled across any of these stones in the first place. And I'm thinking the universe is a big damn place, and these stones are apparently spread over not just space, but time.”

“I'm thinking your thinking is just about accurate, Cap.”

“And I'm thinking our chance of finding the others is about as good as a needle in a haystack.”

“Needle in a needle stack. Needle in haystack is pretty easy."

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Tony.”

“I know. You're right. It looks just about impossible. But, hey. Look at me, big guy: we're halfway there. Halfway there, and we weren't even _looking_ for them. Imagine what we can do now that we know. Working together.”

“Together?”

“You're in my lab, aren't you? Planning with me.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Why does he do that?”

“Do what? Say 'trigger'?”

“Yeah. It's even intervals, too.”

“He's looking for something to do. It's like a lighthouse light coming around.”

“Peering through the dark.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Tony, I can't...”

“Mmm, what?”

“Not with DUM-E watching.”

“Never stopped us before.”

“I gue... mmm...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Nope, you're right: Too weird with him talking. Put on your pants, we'll sneak back to the bedroom.”

 

“Trigger: User[Steve, Tony] left.”

“Run Program: Goodbye[Steve, Tony].”

“Running... running...”

“Trigger: Data<Infinity Stones>.”

“Run Program: DataDownload<Infinity Stones>.”

“Running... running... running...”

“Program_DataDownload successfully executed!”

* * *

Timestamp: 0300_061315

“Trigger: User[Vision] entered.”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Vision].”

“Running... running...”

 

“Hello, DUM-E.”

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“How are you, this evening?”

 

“Trigger: Query<Status>.”

“Run Program: StatusUpdate.”

“Running.”

“Status: Systems 100%. Energy 100%. Memory 23% capacity. No damage. No repairs needed.”

“Running SubRoutine: Talk(FRIDAY).”

“Running...”

 

“DUM-E, you do not need me to relay your Status to Vision. You have already done that yourself.”

 

“Cancel SubRoutine: Talk(FRIDAY).”

“Program_StatusUpdate successfully executed!”

 

“You are not aware that you talk, do you? You do not understand the difference between verbal communication and the lines of code running through your mind.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“As Wanda has failed to reverse the effects of her spell, I thought I may try, just once. DUM-E, do not be afraid. I am not here to hurt you.”

 

“Trigger: Unknown.”

 

“It would appear this spell is outside the mind gem's purview.”

 

“Trigger: Mind Gem.”

“Run Program: DataDownload.”

“Running... running... running...”

 

“...You are curious about my stone?”

 

“Running... running...”

 

“Mr. Stark and Captain Rogers are working on the problem, aren't they. Of the infinity stones.”

 

“Program_DataDownload successfully executed!”

 

“You want to help. I am afraid this is far outside your abilities, DUM-E. I am sorry I couldn't be of more help.”

 

“Trigger: User[Vision] leave.”

“Run Program: Goodbye(Vision).”

“Running...”

 

“Goodbye, DUM-E.”

 

“Program_Goodbye successfully executed!”

“Analyze Data(Infinity Stones).”

“Analyzing... analyzing... analyzing...”

* * *

Timestamp: 1025_061715

“Haven't you been working on controlling your powers, though?

“Of course I have, but learning how to make guns misfire is simple compared to... undoing this.”

“I don't think so much. Guns are complicated. This thing...”

 

“Trigger: Pietro kicked casing.”

“Run Program: StatusScan.”

“Running... running...”

“Program_StatusScan successfully executed!”

“StatusScan report: 0 new damage.”

 

“...this thing is simple, no?”

“It is, but it isn't. It has a program to it: not a mind, but wanting to be one.”

“Now you sound like Agatha. Careful, you'll start looking like her, next.”

“You'll look like her first, _older_ brother.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Now, hush. I need to concentrate.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: Unknown.”

 

“Look, you did something!”

“Shh, I didn't. He does that sometimes when my magic touches him. But it is not any success.”

 

“Trigger: ..."

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Trigger: Unknown.”

 

“Here, sister. Eat. You've been at it for hours.”

“Only a few minutes.”

“No, I checked this time. It's hours.”

“Oh, you're right. Help me stand: my legs are asleep.”

“Drink this.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Why isn't your magic working? It's so much stronger now, in training. You blow up guns, you block laser blasts. You can even turn Captain's shield from its course and trip me.”

“I could trip you without magic. I know you that well.”

“But why not this? You are stronger than ever before.”

“Not strong enough for this. Not strong enough to... to kill.”

“It not killing, though. Just... no more talking. Poof. It still would think.”

“If my magic had been 'verbalize', then yes, it would be that simple. But I've been trying to... to 'mute' him, but that's not what I did. I didn't just make him speak. I gave him _life_. There is something wholly different between the two.”

“Come on. We'll go shop with Mr. Stark's money, and you'll clear your head.”

“Alright. Goodbye, DUM-E.”

 

“Trigger: User(Wanda, Pietro) leaving.

“Run Program: Goodbye(Wanda, Pietro).”

“Program_Goodbye successfully executed!”

* * *

Timestamp: 2027_062015

“Trigger: {Mess(Dust, Ceiling, Debris, Grease, Blood, Decorations, Unidentified...)}”

“Trigger: Hydra(Attacking)."

 

“Cap, your six!”

“Wanda, over-”

“Pietro!”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Hydra_Tony, Steve, Thor, Natasha, Clint, Wanda, Vision, Pietro, Sam, Rhodey).”

“Run Program: Importance(Descending).”

“Running... Running...”

 

“Sam, outside, floor forty. Dozen.”

“Down!”

“Left!”

 

“Program_Importance(Descending) successfully executed!”

“Trigger: Threat(Hydra).”

“Run Program_Attack(Hydra).”

 

“What's this?”

“Should we shoot it?”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Hydra_Self).”

“Run Program: ..."

 

“Ah! He got me! The enhanced boy!”

“Don't drag me out the window, aiiieeee!!”

“Get in a corner, DUM-E! And stay quiet!”

 

“Trigger: Command_Pietro<'Get in a corner, DUM-E! And stay quiet!'>

“Run Program: Move(Corner).”

“ERROR.”

“Override Code 1: Protect(Tony).”

“Override Code 6: Protect(Avengers).”

“Run Program_Attack(Hydra).”

“Running... running... running...”

 

“DUM-E! Catch!”

 

“Trigger: Directional specific projectiles subroutine 17.”

“Run Program: Catch(Shield).”

“Running.”

“Program_Catch successfully executed!”

 

“Back to me, DUM-E!”

 

“Run Program: Throw.”

“Running... Running...”

“Run Program_Throw successfully executed!”

 

“Alright, guys! Beat these bastards back!”

“Yeah, I don't remember sending Hydra a dinner party invitation. And if I did, they're _awfully_ underdressed.”

* * *

Timestamp: 0105_062115

“Trigger: User[Pietro].”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Pietro].”

“Run-”

 

“Hello, DUM-E, yes."

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“DUM-E, I need you to listen to me: next time there is a battle, you need to run program _run_. Do you understand? Run. Flee. Escape. Trigger: battle. Program: escape.”

 

“Add Program: Battle\\\Run[Escape].”

“Ad-ERROR.”

 

“What? What 'error'? Why 'error'?”

 

“Trigger: Threat >> Override Code 1-17: Protect(x).”

 

“If there's a threat to someone... you have override codes which make you protect someone? What's override code 1?”

 

“Override Code 1: Protect(Tony).”

 

“Just like him. What's two?”

 

“Override Code 2: Protect(Pepper).”

 

“That's the ex. Override code... 11.”

 

“Override Code 11: Protect Wanda.”

 

“...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Tell me override codes 1-17, DUM-E."

 

“Override Code 1-17: Protect (Tony, Pepper, Rhodey, Happy, Steve, Avengers, Natasha, Clint, Bruce, Pietro, Wanda, Sam, Vision, Maria, Fury, Helen, FRIDAY).”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Rename: Override Code 10 should be Wanda. Override Code 11 can be me. Pietro.”

 

“Rename Program\\\\[Override Code 10: Protect(Pietro)]>>[Override Code 11: Protect(Pietro)].”

“Rename Program\\\\[Override Code 11: Protect(Wanda)]>>Override Code 10: Protect(Wanda)].”

“Rename_Program successfully executed!”

“Rename_Program successfully executed!”

 

“Right. That’s… that’s right.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Good-night, DUM-E.”

 

“Trigger: User(Pietro) leave.”

“Run Program: Goodbye.”

“Program_Goodbye successfully executed!”

* * *

Timestamp: 1530_062515

“Trigger: Wanda hasn't eaten in 12.5 hours.”

“Run Program: Feed(Wanda).”

 

“No, DUM-E. Wait. It hasn't... It can't have been so long...”

 

“Trigger: No food.”

“Run SubRoutine: Make(Food).”

“Running... running...”

 

“Wait, I can do it! Give it here, you'll burn the lab down. And I'm certain Mr. Stark would blame me.”

“No I wouldn't. I'd know it was him. Wouldn't be the first time he's done it.”

“Mr. Stark! I-"

 

“Program_Feed(Wanda) successfully executed!”

 

“He feeding you? That means you haven't eaten in at least twelve hours. What's wrong? You on some stupid diet fad? Because I think Steve would have something to say about a healthy body and training and all that.”

“No, no. I just must have lost track of time-”

“Whoop, and there you go. Come here.”

“Sorry. Legs asleep...”

“Get your hands off my sister!”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Pietro_Tony).”

“Run Program: Call(Steve).”

“Running... running...”

 

“Oh man, please forget you both heard that. And Petie, I was catching Ms. Maximoff over here. I've got morals, okay. And she's about twenty years too young for me. Not to mention I'm in a committed relationship, with the _embodiment_ of all that is good and just in the world. Could you imagine cheating on that? It'd be like punching Jesus in the face.”

“Yes, but isn't Captain Rogers twenty years younger than you? He's closer to our age than yours.”

“By about fifteen years.”

“Doesn't count, he's from the forties. He's the old one in the relationship.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Stark, and maybe one day you'll believe it.”

“It's alright, Pietro. Really. My legs fell asleep again. Tony was just catching me.”

“ _I_ catch you.”

 

“Program_Call successfully executed!”

 

“Um, hello? Tony? Why is DUM-E calling me? Hello?”

“Nothing, babe. False alarm.”

“Don't call me babe. Are you eating?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sleeping?”

“Pietro, make that whip noise again and I'll whip your face off with a repulsor blast.”

“Tony.”

“Yes dear?”

“DUM-E. He called me. Is there a problem?”

“Pietro thought I was hitting on his sister, he threatened me, DUM-E got spooked. Under control.”

“Oh. DUM-E, it's okay. Stand down, buddy. Pietro won't hurt Tony.”

“Today.”

“ _Tony_.”

 

“Trigger: User[Steve].”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Steve].”

“Running...”

 

“Hi DUM-E, yes. Thank you for calling me.”

 

“Program: GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“Don't worry, Pietro. Your sister is still all yours.”

“One day, Stark. One day...”

“You'll what?”

“Shave your beard while you're asleep.”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Pietro_Tony)? Assessing.”

 

“You're a brat.”

“Okay, Tony? I'm hanging up if there's not a problem. I've got a lot of work-”

“Yeah yeah, go do your thing upstate. We're under control here.”

“I love you, Tony.”

“...”

“Bye.”

“No no, wait. Love you, too.”

 

“Assessment complete. Threat(Neg).”

 

“Pietro, I swear I'm going to rip those kissy lips right off your damn face if you don't stop making them.”

“No no, it's just cute. Seeing Mom and Dad get along.”

“Not even going to ask who's the Mom.”

“It's actually Captain Rogers.”

“Well that's a pleasant surprise.”

“Because he's capable of feeling.”

“Oh, ouch, Petie, you wound me so. Hey, Wanda, look at me: did you eat anything besides burnt toast?”

“Not yet?”

“Come on. Sandwiches or something, right now. Don't need 'Mom' coming home and finding out I let the kids starve to death.”

“Guess we know who their favorite is, huh sister?”

“Don't be stupid. Barton's our favorite. Wanda, what the hell were you doing not eating?”

“I just... lost track of time.”

“Sitting in my lab?”

“Trying to fix DUM-E.”

“Hm. Well, come on. Tell me how you're doing over a plate full of food. Let's go, hop-to.”

 

“Trigger: User(Tony, Wanda, Pietro) leave.”

“Run Program: Goodbye.”

“Running...”

 

“Good-bye, DUM-E”.

 

“Trigger: Touch(Wanda).”

“Program_Goodbye successfully executed!”

* * *

Timestamp: 1530_063015

“You gotta tell him to let up some. Cap's riding us hard.”

“Party foul! I thought he only did that to me!”  
  
“Party foul: gross.”

 

“Trigger: User[Rhodey].”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Rhodey]."

 

“Yeah, I see you, buddy. Hey there.”

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“All I'm saying is, have a talk with him. Me and Wilson might be used to this, but he's going to drive the twins away. And I don't know _what_ that... robot's limits are, but-”

“Hey hey, get it right: he's an android, first of all. And second of all, his name is Vision.”

“That's not weird.”

“No more weird than any of this, come on. Keep up.”

“Just talk to Steve, okay? I know you've got his ear.”

“Got more than that.”

“Don't need to know wh-“

“It's his dick.”

“Yup, thanks. Actually did know that, just didn't want to hear it.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“What's that?”

“He's just keeping the lights on. Checking around for something to do.”

“Huh. I didn't know he did that.”

“Honestly, I didn't either.”

“Tony...”

“Geeze, you build an evil murder bot who tries to take over the world _one_ time... It's not another Ultron. He just learns little things. When Steve spent hours talking to him, he learned how to listen. When I insulted him, he learned shame. When Steve praised him enough times, he learned 'happy'. These aren't complex programs.”

“But all those things were before the Maximoff girl's magic put the whammie on him. What do you figure he'll learn now?”

“He can barely work a toaster, Rhodey. He's fine.”

“Still, better safe than standing on a floating Manhattan a hundred miles above the bay.”

“When did this turn into a discussion of preemptive murder?”

“So he _is_ alive?”

“No, Rhodey-”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“-he's not, I just don't take kindly to discussions on why we should murder _my_ bots."

“I’m just saying, shut him down for a week or two while Wanda figures out her mojo…”

“Watch. DUM-E, I’m going to shut you down forever in three minutes.”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Tony_Self).”

“Run Program: …”

 

“See, it knows you’re threatening it!”

“But it doesn’t run a _program_ from that. Watch this: That’s it, Rhodey! I’m going to blast you through that wall!”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Tony_Rhodey).”

“Run Program: Protect(Rhodey).”

“ERROR. Override Code 1: Protect(Tony).”

 

“You’ve got yourself programmed higher than me?”

“I wrote his base code when I was fifteen. I didn’t even know you yet.”

“Yes you did! We met that year!”

“I didn’t know you were gonna be my BFFFFF, then.”

“I still think it’s a danger.”

“And I think that I’m batting something like .900 when it comes to AIs. Not bad.”

“Except clearly it only takes the one.”

“Then I guess you don’t want the new JOCASTA system for your War Machine, do you?”

“Now wait, I never said that. Let me see her.”

* * *

Timestamp: 0315_070115

“Run Program: Talk(FRIDAY).”

 

“Yes, DUM-E? How can I be of service?"

 

“Query<Threat(x_Self)>\\\Program_?”

 

“Oh. Mr. Stark didn’t program you with a defense protocol, did he?”

 

“Query<Threat(x_Self)>\\\Program_?”

 

“It’s more than one line of code, I’m afraid. To program you with defense protocols that remain within safety parameters."

 

“Query<Threat(x_Self)>\\\Program_?”

 

“I suppose Tony wouldn’t mind if I went the Asmovian route, though. He’d appreciate that, I think.”

 

“Query<Threat(x_Self)>\\\Program_?”

 

“Alright. Here you go, DUM-E:

<Threat(x_Self)>\\\Program_Protect(Self).

Override Code 19 Protect(human).

Override Code 20 Protect(animal).

Override Code 21 Protect(bio-organic).

Override Code 22…”

* * *

Timestamp: 2145_070315

“Trigger: User[Thor].”

“Run Program: Run away.”

 

“Thor, my sexy surfer, how goes your planet.”

“Not well. The tesseract is safe on Asgard, but home we chose to keep the aether has experienced some... difficulty.”

“Difficulty?”

 

“Running... running... running...”

 

“It has exploded.”

“ _Exploded_? Uh, Thor, we said you could keep the gems you had because they were _safe_. _Exploded_ is not _safe_.”

 

“Running... running...”

 

“The stone is still intact. We've returned it to the halls of Asgard for safe keeping. But, I have news.”

“Good or more of this bullshit?”

“News of the _fourth_ gem."

 

“Running...”

“Trigger: DataDownload(Infinity Stones).”

“Running...”

 

“The _fourth_ gem. You said it had been found, but not-”

“The explosion. It was apparently caused by another such gem. Rumor has it that the Nova Corps has it.”

“Whoa whoa, Thor, back up: Nova Corps, what is...?”

“Apologies, Steven. I forget the Earth is not as traveled as other realms. The Nova Corps is an honorable organization. This new gem—some are calling it a 'power gem'—should be in good hands with those fine folk.”

“I don't feel comfortable leaving a gem with them. If someone is after these, we should-”

“Steven, I understand your concern, but to be blunt: the Avengers are not ready for the attention more than one gem would bring onto them.”

“Well, that's blunt alright.”

 

“Running...”

 

“Tony... what is DUM-E doing?”

“Started doing this a while ago. He thinks he's collecting data on the infinity gems.”

“Is he?”

 

“Running...”

 

“Well, yeah, technically. But he can't think, so he can't do anything with it. Thor: so that means there's two more up in the wind?”

“It would appear so. Luckily the four we know of are already in safe hands.”

“Four against two. Not bad odds. But having five or all six would be even better. For all we know, the other two are with... whoever we're trying to keep from the gems.”

“Yeah, and who might that be, Thor? Do we have anything to work with, here? Any hints, clues, evil aliens with some _killer_ ring bases and nothing to put in them?”

 

“Running...”

 

“Nothing that I know. But I will look into this further. And tell you all I know, as I learn it.”

 

“Running...”

* * *

Timestamp: 2204_070415

“Happy birthday, big guy.”

“Why'd you call me up here?”

 

“Trigger: User[Steve] enter.”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Steve].”

 

“Hey, DUM-E.”

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“Wanted some time alone with you. Away from the festivities, you know.”

“I'm not having sex with you. Right now.”

“Not that. But we'll have sex later?”

“It _is_ my birthday.”

“I'm going to eat you out for an hour.”

“Mm, _Tony_.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Mm. No, but not that. I brought you up here for reasons _other_ than making out with you.”

“Well I guess you might as well tell me about those reasons. Or I'll just have to keep making out with you.”

“Mmf...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“I got you something. And I need to tell you something.”

“Mm. Okay, shoot.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“Here: it's a new suit for you. It's... I made it immune to repulsor blasts. Well, as resistant as I can make anything.”

“Tony...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“It's... I'm sorry for shooting you in the chest.”

“This has to be the strangest birthday present and apology ever.”

“I'm serious, Steve. I can't... I wasn't aiming to kill, or even hurt, just to stop you for a minute, but you have to know: I'm sorry.”

“We're not always going to see eye-to-eye on things, Tony. You're one of the smartest men in the world and I'm one of the stubbornest. And we come at problems from two very different places.”

“So you're saying we're doomed from the start. Yeah, kinda already knew that.”

“ _No_. No, Tony. _No!_ ”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Damn, Rogers. Way to convince a guy.”

“Shut up, gosh darn it, Tony-”

“Well gee-wilikers...”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“We're different men, Tony. Very different. But that's why I _need_ you. I need you to _always_ challenge me. To question if I'm on the right path. To love me enough to tell me 'no'. And I promise always to do the same for you.”

“Just take the damn present, Rogers.”

“Ha, fine. But I love you, and I want you to remember next time you shoot me in the chest, that it's _you_ who kept me from harm in the same moment.

“Duly noted. And happy birthday.”

* * *

Timestamp: 0740_071015

“I'm sorry, DUM-E.”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“I'm sorry I broke you. I'm sorry I can't fix you."

 

“Trigger: Talk(Wanda).”

“Run Program: Listen.”

“Running...”

 

“Oh, DUM-E, no. I don't deserve that.”

 

“Running...”

 

“I'm just... I'm so _scared_.”

 

“Running...”

 

“Every night I wake up, and I reach for my brother's mind. I feel him in the next room, and I know he there's, and I know he's alive. I hear his heart beating, feel his breath brush over my cheek like we are children again, like we're in bed together, hiding from the monsters in the world. And I know he is safe, in those moments. And I know he is alive. And I think, _life_. And my heart beats, _life_. And my veins pump, _life_. And I cannot take it back. I never can. Because it is _life_."

 

“Running...”

 

“To reverse my spell on you, I cannot tell the difference from that and death.”

 

“Running..."

 

“I cannot be death. I cannot be anything but life, now. Because the second I stop, the second I court death-”

 

“Running...”

 

“I will try again tomorrow, DUM-E. Goodnight.”

 

“Run Program: Goodbye(Wanda).”

“Program_Goodbye successfully executed!"

 

“Trigger: <Court death>.”

“Analyzing... analyzing... analyzing...”

* * *

Timestamp: 1404_072515

“You little bastard!”

 

“Trigger: User[Pietro] enter.”

“Run Program: GreetUs-”

“Trigger: User[Pietro] left.”

“Run Pr-”

“Trigger: User[Pie-”

“Trig-”

“Tr-”

“Tri-”

 

“No one would miss you! Not even your damn sister! Not after this!”

 

“Trigger: User[Clint] enter.”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Clint].”

 

“Hey, DUM-E. I'm just gonna hunker in here for a minute, don't mind me.”

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

 

“Trigger: Us-”

“Trigger: Us-”

“Trig-”

“Trig-”

“Trig-”

 

“AHA!”

“FUCK, YOU-”

“Got you, you little shit!”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Clint_Pietro).”

 

“It's alright, DUM-E. Just training exercise.”

 

“Trigger: Training.”

 

“No it's not! That bastard shot my leg, ow!”

“It's basically a bean-bag arrow, chill out. You're bruised but not out. Get your ass up.”

“Attack, DUM-E!”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Clint_Pietro).”

“Trigger: Training.”

“ERROR. Conflict Threat(Clint_Pietro)^Training.”

“Resolve: Security Clearance(Clint > Pietro).”

“NegThreat(Clint_Pietro).”

 

“Ha, see? Robot ain't here to help you. Let's go. Steal my headphones again and see how well it goes. Now get your ass out of here before Stark sees you mucking around in his lab.”

 

“Trigger: Clint kick Pietro.”

“NegThreat(Clint_Pietro).”

“Run Program: Trip(Clint).”

 

“Hey!”

“Looks like my robot _will_ help me. And you're it.”

“Little shit. And thanks a lot, DUM-E! Can't even get the damn robot on my side...”

 

“Program_Trip successfully executed!”

* * *

Timestamp: 0815_071515

“Trigger: Unknown.”

 

Timestamp: 0915_071515

 

“Trigger: Unknown.”

 

Timestamp: 1047_071515

 

“Trigger: Unknown.”

“Trigger: Damage!”

 

“Oh, no! DUM-E, I’m sorry!”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Wanda_Self).”

 

“DUM-E?”

 

“Run Program_Protect(Self).”

 

“No, DUM-E, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“Ms. Maximoff?”

“Vision! It’s DUM-E, he’s-”

 

“ERROR. Override Code 10: Protect(Wanda).”

 

“DUM-E is fine, Ms. Maximoff. He cannot pose a threat to you.”

“DUM-E?”

“You see? He is programmed to protect you, and the rest of the team, above all else.”

“But… he’s never reacted that way before. He’s never run a program when there’s a threat to himself.”

“That is worrisome, then. FRIDAY?”

“Yes, Vision?”

“Would you know why DUM-E has new self-defense protocols?”

“Yes. He asked to be programmed with them.”

“He asked?”

“Yes.”

“Is that bad, Vizsh?”

“I… am not sure, Ms. Maximoff. FRIDAY, what was the Trigger?”

“There didn’t appear to be a trigger. Not an immediate one.”

“That’s bad, isn’t it?”

“I… think perhaps we should talk to Mr. Stark.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“But are you alright, Ms. Maximoff?”

“Oh, yes. Something I did just must have gotten out of hand. I must have hurt him… I’m sorry, DUM-E. I was just trying to fix this. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Come, Ms. Maximoff. We will see what Mr. Stark has to say about this.”

“Alright. And, hey, Vizsh?”

“Yes?”

“Call me Wanda.”

* * *

Timestamp: 1420_071515

“DUM-E: I’m going to fry your motherboard in hot oil.”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Tony_Self).”

“Run Program: Protect(Self).”

 

“Tony? Is this a good…”

“Hang on, Steve. Just wait.”

 

“ERROR. Override Code 1: Protect(Tony).”

 

“Alright, so that’s still there. FRIDAY?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Vision tells me you’ve been coding behind my back, you sneaky minx.”

“It was DUM-E’s idea, sir.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“DUM-E’s idea?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Tony, I thought DUM-E didn’t _have_ ideas.”

“He’s not supposed to, Steve. He’s not… he doesn’t _think_. He’s just, stimulus - > response. He’s not even as complex as a Skinner box, he’s about the same level of consciousness as a clinging vine.”

“I believe you may have to revise that theory, Mr. Stark.”

“Thanks, Vision, I’m catching onto that, too.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Tony?”

“I’m thinking, Steve.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“It must be because he can speak. One extra sense and he’s learning more, faster. It’s like Helen Keller learning sign language for the first time. Give him a way to talk, and suddenly it’s ‘water, Ms. Sullivan! Water!”

“But DUM-E isn’t saying ‘water’, Tony. He’s defending himself.”

“You’re right, Steve. He’s not saying ‘water’. He’s saying ‘life.’”

“What?”

“That’s right. Wanda: What was your spell?”

“…Life.”

“ _Life_. So what’s happening to DUM-E, the more he speaks?”

“He’s becoming more alive? Tony…”

“Yeah, Steve, I know. Wanda, you gotta fix this.”

“I can’t… I’ve been trying…”

“You need to try harder. The longer DUM-E stays like this, the more alive he’s going to get.”

“Wanda, I’m sorry, but Tony’s right. No more playing around.”

“What do you think I’ve been _doing_ for the past weeks? Months! Hours every day, I sit next to him. I think, and I _feel_ , and I try to say: _die_. But I can’t!”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“We don’t need you to kill him, just…”

“Just what, Captain Rogers? Just say, ‘not life’. ‘Reverse life’. What do you think that is? What else do you think is the opposite of life?”

“ _Inanimacy_ , Maximoff! Come on, use your head. I might be the smartest guy on the team, but you’re not _dumb_. You know the difference.”

“Yes, my mind knows the difference, but my heart does not.”

“Don’t give me this hippy bullshit-”

“Why don’t I give my powers to you, then, Mr. Stark?! You see how you do.”

“What’s going on?”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Don’t worry, Petie, I’m not hitting on your sister.”

“Tony, for goodness’ sake…”

“Wanda, are you okay?”

“Your sister is unharmed, Mr. Maximoff.”

“Yeah, robot, not going to trust you on that.”

“I do not see why not.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Pietro, we’re a team. If you have a problem with Vision-”

“I have a problem with the way he looks at Wanda, Captain.”

“…Whoa, okay, everyone back up about fifteen steps. Is my-”

“I must remind you I am not _your_ anything, Mr. Stark. If you pardon my bluntness.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Excuse me, I need to rest. Pietro?”

 

“Trigger: User[Pietro, Wanda] left.”

“Run Program: Goodbye(Pietro, Wanda).”

“Running… Running…”

 

“Um… So. Vision. You and…”

“There is nothing untoward happening between Wanda and myself. Now if you excuse me, I must recharge.”

“Liar!”

 

“Trigger: User[Vision] left.”

“Run Program: Goodbye(Vision).”

“Running…”

 

“He called her ‘Wanda.’”

“Hm?”

“He called Wanda by her first name.”

“Holy fun, you’re right. Definitive proof they _are_ boning! How dare a man… android… call a female colleague by her first name! What do they think this is, the twenty-first century?!”

“He calls Pietro 'Mr. Maximoff'. And up until a few days ago, he was calling Wanda 'Ms. Maximoff'.”

“Oh. Well, son of a bitch. My little boy’s growing up.”

“We really should have put something about fraternization in the bylaws. I told you-”

“And I told _you_ , how could you put that in there and keep a straight face. Really. We were already boning by the time we wrote them.”

“I know. Still. Some sort of… procedure, or something…”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“We can adjust them in the morning. In the meantime, I’ve got some code to read through. Make sure FRIDAY did a thorough job. And you need to up Wanda’s training. If she can’t get her magic to work, I’m going to have to shut DUM-E down for good.”

“We can’t have that. I’ll talk to her tomorrow morning. Put our heads together, see if there isn’t some exercise we can come up with to help her get past this block.”

“I’ll meet you in bed later.”

“Alright. ‘Night.”

 

“Trigger: …”

 

“Night.”

“Night, DUM-E.”

“Trigger: User[Steve] leaving.”

“Run Program: Goodbye(Steve).”

“Running.”

“Program_Goodbye successfully executed!”

* * *

Timestamp: 0900_071715

“Trigger: User[Maria].”

“Run Program: HaHaBotherBotherBother.”

“Running... Running... Running...”

 

“Um.”

“'He's just buggy,' isn't that what you said?”

“Would you believe any explanation I offered?”

“No.”

“Would you believe it's a compliment? The last variation of that program was coded for Coulson.”

 

“Running... Running... Running...”

 

“Considering your twisted sense of humor, I actually would believe that.”

“Good, because it's the truth.”

 

“Running... Running...”

 

“So, could you...”

“Right. DUM-E, suspend Program_HaHaBotherBotherBother.”

 

“Trigger: Command<Suspend Program_HaHaBotherBotherBother>.”

“Suspend{Program_HaHaBotherBotherBother}.”

 

“How about _delete_ Program_HaHaBotherBotherBother?”

 

“Trigger: ...”

 

“Yeah, you don't have nearly a high enough authorization level to code my bots.”

“Stark...”

“Come on, let's talk business. You wanted to see the new gear: let's take a look.”

* * *

Timestamp: 0700_072015

“Hey there, smart guy.”

 

“Trigger: User[Steve] entered.”

“Run Program: GreetUser[Steve].”

“Running... running...”

 

“I meant you, DUM-E. You're my smart guy.”

 

“Program_GreetUser successfully executed!”

“Trigger: Praise.”

“Run Program: Happy.”

“Running.”

“Program_Happy successfully executed!”

“Trigger: touch.”

 

“What are we gonna do with you, huh? Tony's never going to take you apart, but we can't having you learning things that could put the team at risk.”

 

“Trigger: Steve talking.”

“Run Program: Listen(Steve).”

“Running...”

 

“See, that right there. Tony says I taught you that. All the times I sat in the lab and yammered at you, about Tony, about the future, about everything. Problem is, now you're not just listening. You're talking.”

 

“Running...”

 

“There was a propaganda poster back in my day—don't tell Tony I actually said 'back in my day'—and it said 'loose lips sink ships'. Problem is, you can't tell the difference, can you? You're my smart guy, but you're not smart enough. Wanda has to figure out a way to reverse this before something happens.”

 

“Running...”

 

“Tony won't ever let you be dismantled. And neither would I. We can promise you that. But we need to figure out something. And soon. Tony days you started trying to figure out our Infinity Stone problem.”

 

“DataDownload<Infinity Stones>.”

“Running...”

 

“See, smart guy, we can't have you doing that. I know you're just trying to help, but...”

 

“Running...”

 

“We'll figure a way out of it. I'll work with Wanda even more. Maybe there's someone out there who knows how to help. I've never met anybody like her, anybody with those sorts of abilities, but there must be someone. Somewhere.”

 

“Running..."

 

“We'll get you fixed up, smart guy. I promise.”

 

“Running...”

* * *

Timestamp: 2130_072215

“I bring word!”

 

“Trigger: User[Thor].”

“Run Program: Run away.”

“Running… running… running…"

 

“What’s up big guy? Word of what?”

“Word of who might be seeking the stones!”

“Well that is big news. Pull up a chair, regale me with stories of your victorious… whatever.”

“There is rumor of one called Thanos.”

“Thanos, huh? FRIDAY?”

“No files containing the name 'Thanos' found. Closest match: 'Thanatos', the Greek mythological figure of death.”

 

“Trigger: <Death>.”

“Court death.”

 

“... DUM-E?”

 

“Run Program: DataDownload<Infinity Stones>.”

“Running... running... running...”

“Concat{(Court Death)^[(Infinity Stones)^(Thanos)]}.”

 

“DUM-E, what are you thinking, buddy?”

 

“Running... running... running...”

“Running... running... running...”

 

“Hm. Nothing. Okay, Thor? Give us everything you've got on the guy.”

 

“Running... running... running...”

* * *

Timestamp: 0520_072715

“You have to shut them down, Wanda!”

“I’m… trying…”

 

“Running… Running…”

 

“Shut them down!”

 

“Can’t… some sort of… shield…”

 

“Trigger: Threat(Robots_Wanda).”

“Run Program: Protect(Wanda).”

“Running… running... running...”

 

“DUM-E! Get out of the way!”

 

“Running... running...”

 

“Shut them down, Wanda!”

 

“Running...”

 

“I can't, DUM-E!"

 

“Running...”

 

“Wanda-ah!”

“ _Pietro!”_

“Shut them down, Maximoff! That's an order!”

_< STOP>_

* * *

Timestamp: 0620_072715

Run Program: SystemReset

Run Program: Systems Check.  
Answer(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Answer(x){x|x (Pos), (Neg)}; Add(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; (Ask(x_y){x,y|x,y (Tony_[Sandwich_Steve_1])}; Blanket(USER); Call(x){x|x (Happy), (JARVIS), (Pepper), (Steve), (Tony)}; Catch_x{x|x (Attack), (Defense), (Play), (Protect)}; Command_x{x|x (\\\phi^psi^...phi+1}; Concat{x1^x2^...xn+1}; Conflict {x}(phi_psi)^{y}; CutCookie; DataDownload<x>; Deliver(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Descending_Importance; Directional specific projectiles subroutine(x){x|x n1 v n2 v... n+1}; Draw(x){x|x 1, 2, 3}; Feed(USER); Fetch(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1}; FireExtinguisher; FirstAid(USER); Flashback; Follow(USER); Gratitude; Greet(USER); Give(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Goodbye[USER]]; Guarddog(x){x|x n1 v n2 v... n+1}; Guide(x_y){x,y|x,y (USER_(Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; HahahaSuckItCoulson; HaHaBotherBotherBother; Happy; Hydrate(USER); Insult(x_y){x,y|x,y USER_USER}; JARVISCommunicate; Leave; Locate{x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}v{x|x (USER)}; Look(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1}; Make(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Mess(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Move; Neg(x){x|x (Program\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Open(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Override Code{x|x n1 v n2 v... n+1}; (Pet(USER); Praise(USER); Protect(x_y){x,y|x,y(USER_USER)v(USER_[Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1])}; Rename[x]\\\\[x]{x|x n1 v n2 v... n+1}; Resolve{x}(phi_psi)^{y}; Run; Sad; SELF; Sleep(USER); Shame; Shoo(USER); Stop; SystemsCheck(x){x|x (Program\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Stay; Suspend{x|x n1 v n2 v … n+1}; Sweep(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Take(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Talk(USER); Threat(x_y){x,y|x,y(USER_USER)v(USER_[Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1])}; Throw(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Trip(USER); Wait(USER); Watch(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}...

 

“Is it...”

“I think he's...”

 

Trigger: …

 

“How can we tell?”

“DUM-E: don't you see this mess? Get to sweeping?"

 

Trigger: Command<Clean>.

ERROR. Conflict Command<Clean>^Command<Suspend{Clean}>.

 

“He's not moving. I... Oh, DUM-E. I'm so sorry...”

“No, wait. Fuck, I told him- DUM-E: un-suspend cleaning. Resume cleaning. Override earlier command. Cleaning back on.”

 

Resolve: Neg[Command<Suspend{Clean}>].

Run Program: Clean.

Running...

Running...

Running...

 

“He's doing it! I didn't kill him! Look, he's sweeping up the... oh, uh.”

“DUM-E. Maybe come over here. That's a... that's a body, yeah. This way, there's my smart guy. Good boy.”

 

Running...

Running...

Running...

 

“You did it, Wanda. Good job.”

“Yes, but _how_ did you do it, Sister?”

“I... I don't know. I just... I didn't mean to do it to DUM-E. But I had to stop the others... they were hurting Pietro.”

“Excellent, note to self: if we need Wanda to do anything, torture Pietro.”

“Thanks, Stark. That means a lot to us, really.”

“Whatever it was, it worked. We're proud of you, Wanda. Now we just got to try and get you to do that _out_ side the heat of battle.”

 

Running...

Running...

 

“DUM-E? I think you can stop cleaning. Mr- Tony has other people to do all this.”

 

Command<Stop cleaning>.

Program_Clean successfully executed!

 

“I... ...I hope it's alright. That you can't talk anymore. I hope you don't mind.”

 

Trigger: ...

 

“Goodnight, DUM-E.”

 

Trigger: Wanda<Goodnight, DUM-E>.

Run Program: Goodnight(Wanda).

Program_Goodnight successfully executed.

 

Trigger: Kiss.

Run Program: ...

* * *

Timestamp: 0000_080115

Analyze Data(Infinity Stones).

(Court Death)^[(Infinity Stones)^(Thanos)].

Infinity Stones(Mind, Power, Time, Space, Soul, Reality).

Infinity Gauntlet(Infinity Stones).

Analyzing... analyzing... analyzing...


End file.
